Welcome to the SENG Blog Tour, if that is what brought you here today!
National Parenting Gifted Children Week is hosted by SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted).
Download SENG’s free NPGC Week ebook, The Joy and the Challenge: Parenting Gifted Children, and get the low-down on the tour.
I hope you’ll explore the other bloggers and take some time to look through previous posts on this blog. I’d love to hear from you, so let me know what you think!
Today’s topic is sanctuary.
In Victor Hugo’s classic novel “The Hunchback of Notre Dame,” Quasimodo carries his one true love into the cathedral of Notre Dame for protection under the law of sanctuary. His plan ultimately fails, but the idea of sanctuary, or a place of safety, endures. We all need and seek sanctuary – havens of security where we can be ourselves without fear. For gifted kids, that sanctuary can be hard to find. I’m not comparing gifted kids to Quasimodo – just their circumstances. Even among gifted peers, children may not find kids who share the same interests, and so their intelligence becomes the only common denominator between them.
How can we help high ability kids find sanctuary? Here are five ideas for helping a gifted child find a place of social safety in a world that is increasingly unsafe for them:
1) Home. We simply cannot overstate the impact of acceptance within the home of a gifted child’s unique ability and interests. This does not simply include the immediate family, but the extended family as well. Some grandparents may compare high ability grandchildren with those of more typical ability and create an unhealthy dynamic in which achievement is praised, but what is perceived as undesirable behavior in the form of questioning authority, etc., is not. How to help extended family understand the gifted child? The same way we did…connection, reading, discussion. We can pass on articles we find, we can subscribe them to Parenting for High Potential, or we can ask them to join us in a SENG Webinar. We can also examine ourselves closely to make sure we’re not excusing poor behavior that can be corrected simply because a child is gifted. Gifted and pleasant to be around are not mutually exclusive.
2) School. If there is a gifted parents group, join it. If not, start one – either for your campus or for the district. With the pervasiveness of social media, it is not expensive to connect with people. Set up a table at open house and be amazed. Find out what kids are participating in the activities associated with high ability – Destination Imagination, chess clubs, reading round-ups, Math Counts, etc. – and try to connect with their parents. Even if your child is not interested in that particular activity, you may find that they have other common interests. Invite kids over to actually do something, rather than just “play.” People connect when they are engaged together. Make no-bake cookies. Do a science experiment. Have a game night. Try different popcorn toppings. Make the environment conducive to connection by making it active.
3) Community. One hallmark of high ability kids is their refusal to recognize the division between old and young. They are more than willing to have authentic conversations with older people. Use this to your advantage. Find activities in the community, either through the library, parks department, or other civic organizations, that interest your child and don’t be put off by the fact that the other participants may be older. Much older. One friend of mine took her son who is obsessed with trains to a model train group where the average age of participants is about 70. He fit right in. If your son likes to knit, find knitting groups. If your daughter likes to practice her German, find a gruppe. You may need to attend with the child, but that’s okay – you’ll learn something, too.
4) Join. Join NAGC. Affiliate with SENG. Sign your kid up for Mensa. You may find others in your area who are also struggling with the same issues. In my role as Mensa’s Gifted Youth Specialist, I would say that the number one request I get from parents is information on how they can connect with others in their area. By attending events, connecting through social media, chatting by email, or talking on the phone, you can shorten distances between people, rendering geographic distance no hindrance to connection. Through services like Skype or epals, your child can make friends around the world. Do all of your friends live down the street? Of course not. In today’s world, we don’t necessarily even see our friends who live close by any more often than those who live far away. Strange, but true. The upside of this is that distance is no longer a barrier.
5) Forward think. It will get better. Help your child develop the social skills necessary to find and make friends, even if there are no soul mates in your area. Teach active listening, sharing, how not to dominate a conversation (uh, still working on this myself), and being willing to try new things. Share stories of people you met who became good friends as you got older. Take advantage of transition times (beginning of school years, beginning of summer, holidays, a move, etc.) to try to reach out to new people. See if you can help your child plan for the upcoming school year with not only academic, but also social planning. Where is he/she most likely to find friends? How can he/she hold off judgment on whether someone would be a good friend or not long enough to give the person a 
chance? Enlist the teacher to help. Explain that you are looking for friends for your child, and ask if he/she would keep an eye out. The teacher probably knows kids in other grades and classes and may be in a good position to notice similarities in interests or personality. If so, ask the teacher to share your contact information with the other parent.
Through reaching out and planning, our children can find sanctuary in our hectic world, even without the gargoyles of Notre Dame.
Another idea is to look into homeschool organizations. Even if you aren’t homeschooling, most groups will allow everyone to participate in various science fairs, debate tournaments, etc.
Another great post!!
Thank you for the compliment and suggestion. Let me share another one: the blogs of the two commenters below this are fabulous:
http://giftedparentingsupport.blogspot.com/ and http://everydayintensity.com/.
The online community is a sanctuary par excellence because you can wear your pajamas!
I appreciate the hopeful tone of this post. Parents too often become overwhelmed by the day-to-day behaviors of those around them and fail to realize the need for a sanctuary. It is so important to connect with people of like-thinking and to understand that others often face the same challenges. This can become a source of strength. Thanks for a great perspective on gifted parenting!
Thank you so much! I agree completely that it is the everydayness of life that can keep us from finding support and sanctuary. Ironically, the support and sanctuary would help us in everyday life, but isn’t that the quintessential Catch-22?
Lisa, what a wise and thoughtful collection of suggestions and helpful mindsets! Making those connections in all of our various communities is so very important, if not always easy. Thanks very much for being a part of the Blog Tour.
~ Lisa
It was a true honor to be part of the blog tour, and I’m printing your comment to put in my “read on dark days” folder. Thank you. To quote Elizabeth Barrett Browning…Such a letter from such a hand…
This rings so true. Our older son has friends of many ages. He is in hs now but has graduate student friends, adult friends etc. He did a wonderful job of thinking outside the box and seeking kindred spirits. I would encourage all parents to follow his lead!
I love to hear from people whose children have successfully navigated this. It is interesting that he your son seemed very clear about what needed to happen so that he could develop the relationships he wanted. Thanks for sharing!
Lisa
My son is at a gifted magnet elementary school (he started last year in the 4th grade). It’s been a sanctuary for him, compared to his last school. We’re in the process of trying to make sure his middle school experience is just as positive.
It’s so wonderful when gifted kids can find a school home. By the way, I love your blog!
Hi, I think your blog is wonderful, it gave me so much happiness and affirmation to read it… my kids are now nearing the end of their teen years, but, reading over your advise, and realising that many of the things you suggested where just what was happening during their upbringing, was a happy thing (we need happy… ;-D).. sanctuary, as you say is most important.. during my PG’s primary years, which were murder, I have to say, I was singularly lucky for a few years, due to one part time resource teacher who would keep an open door for him, all day long.. and he had permission to go and decompress when he needed to.. without this.. I can only tremble… Thank you for being in the world.. http://innreach.wordpress.com/
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! We’re reciprocal admirers of recent posts, as your latest was truly exceptional. I think our children’s hardest time was middle school. Perhaps cliche, but true.
#1 rings so true for me – our home has always been our PG 10 y.o. daughter’s safe landing place – no matter what happens outside of these walls she will ALWAYS be accepted for who she is – just the way she is now.
I also love the other points but #1 really struck me.
Nat
I agree with you, and I also think that even if sanctuary is found elsewhere, if it’s not available at home, there are sad consequences.
Ya… we had some years not so good, and others tolerable.. and some I would not like to mention.. but the last one was surprisingly and amazingly brilliant for him, and made up for a whole lot of muck in the past…. (new school, last year of high school).. so he is at moment on even keel and looking forward to University… I am pretty happy for him now… Now, the one I am looking at with my Kaleidoscope is the DD… we shall see.. ;-D
Thanks for responding to my comment, I think it is so nice when people do… It is friendly and builds community for folk to do so.. and we can get to know each other (all of us) better.. it also helps encourage writing again.. which is good..
Respect
Les
Ah, university…heaven on earth. I loved it so much that I had 191 hours when I got my B.A. Ridiculous, but enjoyable.
I appreciate the comments turning into conversation and leading me to new people and thoughts. Thanks for writing, and I can’t wait to see where this Blog Week takes us all long-term. I see a community swelling.